Video Review - Splatterhouse

The Year in Review - Micah C's Game Awards

You know, I've had this blog for quite a long time, and since I'm a fairly well known gaming journalist at this point, I wanted to take the journalist hat off for a moment, throw on the fan hat, and give some year-end awards to certain video games and things oriented around video games. Now, keep in mind that these games are only video games I played, so please bear with me if I miss something.

The Negatives

The Stuffed Bra Award for most unnecessary padding.

The Winner - Final Fantasy XIII

Why it won the award - To be quite honest, I haven't played a game that has been this drawn out since the Xenosaga series. I do not know why this game takes so long to get started, and when it gets started, why it's plagued with horrible storytelling and half-assed attempts at character development. I know that JRPG's are usually long winded, but come the hell on! Not to mention, if I hear Operation NORA ever again in my life, I may be arrested for murder.

The Newborn Kitten Award for weakest attempt at a game.

The Winner - Medal of Honor

Why it won the award - I don't think I need to explain it that much, so I'll just sum it up fast. No story, no characterization, player doesn't care, buy Battlefield: Bad Company instead.

The Napoleon Complex Award for worst attempt at getting revenge on a publisher

The Winner - Jim Sterling for his review of Kane and Lynch 2

Why he won the award - Never in my life have I seen a more thinly veiled attempt to stick it to a publisher "on behalf of all gamers" than Jimmy's review of Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days. Sorry, but even mentioning Gertsmanngate in the opening of your review gives away your intention. It's like you painted "I'm trying to be anti corporate!" on your jacket in blazing green letters, and thought nobody would notice. It may have worked if Jeff G were homeless and his kids starved or something, but last I checked he's doing pretty well. Not to mention it didn't affect sales of the game. It sold over a million copies.

The Shrunken Udder Award for most pointlessly milked franchise

The Winner - God of War 3

Why it won the award - God of War should have ended with the original game. If it needed a sequel, it would have ended in a way that you could do one without it feeling stupid. Well, the team behind God of War 3 reminds me of a parapalegic trying to walk, despite his nervous system being dead. All God of War 3 does is flop around on the floor, failing to make any sort of impact, and just embarassing itself. Keep in note that both The Force Unleashed 2 and Bioshock 2 came out this year, and I'm giving the award to God of War 3 HANDILY.

The Thales Leites Flopping Award for gaming issue that wasn't really an issue.

The Winner - Review Guides from Publishers

Why it won the award - Well, if you can't tell by the name of the title, it's because I don't give two shits about review guides. Let me elaborate though. Evidently some people gave two shits about the fact that publishers sometimes send us reviewers guides for our reviews. Are they telling us how to do our jobs? Yeah, pretty much. Why would they do this? Because some reviewers are fucking idiots. "Splatterhouse is just gore and violence." Oh, I'm sorry, were you expecting a game called Splatterhouse to be about kittens and ponies, you fucking pussy? I'm sorry, but if you're missing the point like a fucking champ over and over again, I'd not only be sending you a guide of how to review my product, but I'd be hiring a tutor so you can learn how to do your fucking job.

The Positives

Best RPG - Mass Effect 2

Why it wins the award - Truthfully, most of the other RPG offerings to come out this year simply weren't as strong. Not only was Mass Effect 2 a really well written game that was fun to play, but it was ridiculously well polished, and keeps players coming back for more. It's one of Bioware's best RPG's to date, but really does a great job of making a 3rd person shooter/RPG hybrid without upsetting either side of the fence.

Best FPS - Aliens vs Predator

Why it wins the award - In reality, there really weren't a lot of strong offerings from the genre this year. Bioshock 2 wasn't a bad game, but it didn't really have a reason to exist. Call of Duty: Black Ops was an enjoyable experience, but it was a little hampered because it still relied too much on multiplayer to really sell the game to people (though it had a very strong story). Aliens vs Predator is by no means the strongest FPS that I've played in my life, but it was lots of fun, and had a solid balance between the multiplayer and single player portions of the game. It's not very often that we see a weak year from the FPS genre, but this was one of them.

Best Downloadable Game - Shank

Why it wins the award - It's an incredibly well detailed, fun beat-em-up that relies a lot on player skill and thought to get through the game. It also had a simple, yet well written, story that wasn't hard to follow, and had a lot of inventive portions to it. I just wish the boss fights were a little bit better.

Best Action Game - Castlevania: Lords of Shadow

Why it wins the award - Truthfully, I didn't expect a reboot of my favorite franchise of all time to be this damn good. The storyline was well written, but didn't overwhelm the player. The game was long, but very well paced. The boss fights were epic and challenging, but never overwhelming. The level design was linear, but completely capable of immersing you in the situation. The combat was tight and a much needed improvement in the genre, but wasn't hard to learn. Truthfully, I think that Lords of Shadow is the second best game of the year, next to.....

Game of the Year - Red Dead Redemption

Why it wins the award - Though I feel like 2010 was overall a weak year for the game industry in its ability to produce solid titles, I also feel like Red Dead Redemption is one of the greatest games of all time. Not only that, but I feel like it's the best open world game ever made, even nudging out GTAIV for that position. It's a beautifully written game with a strong story, it has great multiplayer, and offers a sandbox that has a lot to do for those who like to faff about, but never insults the player with a purpose. I honestly feel like this is the one game that every gamer should own, just like how I feel every movie lover should own at least one Ridley Scott film.

So, those are my awards for the year. Keep in mind that these are all in fun, and aren't to be taken seriously. They aren't the official Blistered Thumbs awards either. Just my personal picks. Should you be offended for my awards, take one of these, and call me in the morning.

Revisiting my Reviews - Dragon Age: Origins

Though I've given up my video series for now, there's been a couple things on my mind. First is that I'm considering bringing back A Piece of History. Second is that I wanted to essentially go back over my video reviews, and talk about what made them fun.

First off, I really regret the whole Marcus the Cynic/M dynamic I had. It really didn't work very well. On the other hand, the opening to this episode was epic as all hell. Another thing that you'll notice is how clear the audio is here in comparison to some of my more recent videos. That's because I was actually using my camera as an audio in rather than my microphone. I need a headset, bad.

Another thing that made this review tough was the constant shuffling I had to do with the footage. It's not difficult to capture console footage, but I had to rummage through my numerous save files to really find games that took place at different points of the storyline. Even so, I don't think I got any footage from Orzammar or the Verillian forest in there. Most of it is from the start and end of the game. Word to the wise - Don't make the same mistake.

My biggest regret about this review? I barely touched on the origin stories. I focused way too much on similarities to past Bioware titles, and I really wish that I could go back and do it again. C'est la vie, I guess. What I don't regret is putting a heavy focus on the choices you have to make in the game, and how deep they are. Too many people brush that off about Bioware games, but I think that it's something that needs to be said.

All in all, I think that I did a solid review of the game here, and I do think it's a really good RPG. In fact, I think that it probably has the strongest role playing element of any RPG thus far in this generation. Despite the fact that Dragon Age 2 may be getting simplified, I'm still a little jazzed for the title. Granted, I can turn that switch off the minute the game enters my hands.

-Micah C

More random thoughts on random stuff

So, I woke up this morning with a killer headache that has just now faded. However, I have a routine when I wake up with a headache and down some ibuprofen to try and get rid of it. What I do is play a playlist on my Zune software of instrumentals, put an ice pack on the sore part of my head, and rest for an hour or two. Thing about doing this is that you're conscious for the entire time while listening to thought provoking music. So, now that my head has stopped aching and I can start picking out subjects to talk about coherently, I've got some good stuff to share.

Let's Talk Sex - I was watching a video review this morning about the film Love and Other Drugs, and the critic made the mistake of telling me that sex was the glue that holds relationships together. I'm sorry, but WHAT?! Are you retarded? Okay, that was a little bit much, but what I will say about that particular critic is that he couldn't be more wrong if he said two plus two equaled cheese. Before I continue, let me say that the difference between this critic and I is probably the fact that I've actually been in a couple relationships. Sex is awesome. In fact, it's probably my favorite thing on earth next to video games and pizza. In fact, just about every time I get really happy I want to bone a woman's brains out. There's a fun story that goes along with that, but I don't want to get sidetracked. Point is that sex is awesome. However, it's not the glue that holds relationships together. What holds relationships together is emotional investment. Can sex affect that? Yes, but my marriage had a very healthy sex life involved in it. I'm divorced. Do the math. Emotions will always be the deciding factor. Love and sex are a beautiful mixture, but you can have one without the other.

Forgive and Forget - A couple weeks ago I had an interesting conversation with one of my best friends. We were talking about one of my biggest fears: The idea of my ex-wife trying to get back into my life. Now, my friend and I are like brothers, but he and his wife still have marginal contact with my ex via Facebook, and there was a time where I was considering moving to his area. Though I made him swear to me that he would never try to get me back in contact with her, he asked me a question that dropped like a bomb. "Have your forgiven and forgotten what happened?" My answer was "Forgiven, yes. Forgotten, no." After that, he told me that he hadn't forgotten either. Afterwards, I realized to myself that I should never forget what she did to me, and that comes to my lesson learned. Forgiveness is beautiful because it allows us to shed ourselves of the bonds of our past. Forgetfulness is idiotic, because it means that we have learned nothing. Never be hesitant to let go of the past things that hurt you, but should someone from the past come back, never forget what happened.

Popular =/= Bad - I've always found it funny that gamers who consider themselves "enlightened" refuse to give a popular video game that's actually good a chance. Case in point is the game I most recently reviewed, Call of Duty: Black Ops. Now, if there is any one person skeptical about the Call of Duty franchise, and modern war shooters in general, it is me. Honestly, this is the first time that I've been genuinely surprised at how good one of these games can get, and I think the 8/10 that I gave it was justified. It's a good game. Is it Half-Life 2 good? God no. It's still good. However, the comment section was riddled with people who seemed to just comment without reading my article, claiming the game was bad. Now, guys, I love you but I know what you're doing. You haven't played the game. You're claiming it's bad just because it's popular, and that's silly. I know that douchebags you went to high school with probably play it too, but why should that curb your enjoyment of games? What if I let that affect the fact that other people out there in life enjoy sex and pizza as well? I'd be freaking miserable. Popular things can be good. Just look at Metallica.

Well, I think that's all I've got. I hope you guys had a good Thanksgiving. Hopefully this week my new lady friend will get in touch with me, and I can take her out on a date or something. I also am hitting the quarter century mark in seven days, so I'm kinda excited about that. Well, next on the table for me is a pinball review, and I'll be getting a review copy of Splatterhouse in as well, so I'm looking forward to it. As usual, leave your comments in the proper place. See you guys later.

- Micah C

Games Journalism - A "To Do" List

Since I'm in the middle of reinstalling all of my Steam games, and reuploading all of my music, I wanted to take a little time to give some tips on how to really become a games journalist. These are essentially the biggest needs that you're going to need to have in tackling it. In the list, I'll be going over general know how, necessary attitudes, and what I feel is "required reading".

Note: This is not a list about being a game blogger. To do that, you can have an I.Q. of 75 and just make random posts about condiments or underage Japanese girls. This is a list that will help you to not suck.

General Know-How

Note: These listings will reflect a lot of things that Daniel, James, and Allison went over in an episode of Extra Credits on "How to become a developer." Honestly, if you want to critique the industry, you need to know what they know.

- Have a solid understanding of video game history: You're going to make yourself look like a complete fool if you say a gravity shifting mechanic is "new and innovative" when Metal Storm did it in 1990. Having a knowledge of video game history allows your writing to stay fair and unbiased, because you'll know what innovations came about and when, and will keep your fanfare in check.

- Be incredibly well versed in literature: Most game developers out there have an extensive knowledge of Ayn Rand, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, Edgar Allen Poe, and so forth. You need to as well. If you haven't read Atlas Shrugged, The Lord of the Rings, The Cask of Amontillado, or Out of the Silent Planet, you better get cracking. Many video games carry influences from these books in many ways, and you need to know what's going on.

- Have a knowledge of world religions: This is one of the most difficult, especially in modern society. Many developers come from a wide variety of backgrounds when it comes to religion, and you need to have a passing knowledge of where they're coming from. You also need to be able to take off the blinders of your own beliefs. For example: If you didn't catch the significance of Legion's name in Mass Effect 2, and then sighed when it was a Biblical reference, quit now. Mythology and Theology can lend well to art.

- Know your films: Though I've droned on and on about how games don't need to be more cinematic, that doesn't mean you shouldn't know cinema. There are quite a few things that video games could apply from cinema that would help in reviewing titles. For example: in my Medal of Honor review, I went on at length about lack of characterization in the game, and were I asked by the developers for examples of characterization in a similar scenario, I could rattle off five films and how they did it as a reflex. You need to be capable of the same.

- Know the commonly used technology: Though I don't expect you to give all the technical specs of the Unreal 3 engine, or tell me the minute details about how Nvidia's Phys-X tech works, you need to have a basic understanding of what the engine can do, and what games it's been used in. This helps your ability to critique a game. For example: If one developer is able to remove the texture pop-in issue of Unreal 3, it sets a new standard. Games need to be able to reach that standard, and should be held to it.

- Learn about music composition: This is becoming more and more paramount as time goes on. You, as an aspiring journalist, need to understand how music works, and its application in video games. You need to learn how it can aid the immersion process. You should be fully willing to beat someone to death for saying that Martin O'Donnell's work on Halo is superior to Akira Yamaoka's work on Silent Hill. Essentially, you need to know why a track like "Love Lost" in Lords of Shadow can make someone's heart sink, and the theme to Metal Gear Solid 3 can make your heart race.

- Know bad writing when you see it: As the ability to make deeper games continues to evolve, consumers need to know the quality of the story that they're getting themselves into. More and more people are playing games for solid storytelling, so you should be able to pick out the good and the bad. A game like Metroid: Other M should NEVER be given any slack for bad storytelling, because the storyline is the center of the experience. Same goes for Modern Warfare 2, and other games out there.

Adopted Attitudes

Note: These really aren't things that everyone can adopt, because sometimes your personality will clash with it. If you're incapable of pulling these off, don't pursue journalism.

- Go in with an unbiased attitude: Too many writers out there are complete and utter morons when it comes to this subject. When you're asked to be unbiased, people aren't asking you to put your tastes away. That's idiotic. People are asking you to give every game you're given for review a fair shot. If you're not a fan of JRPG's, then you shouldn't review them. To use myself as an example, I refuse to review JRPG's, and RPG's that are like Diablo. I think they're boring. If I tried to review them, that would shine through, I wouldn't complete the game and couldn't give you, the consumer, an idea of what you're getting yourself into.

- Understand what the developer is trying to create: Here's a question that I pose to you. If someone gives you a plate of spaghetti, would you judge it on whether or not it's a cheeseburger? No, you wouldn't, unless you're daft. If you're expecting a game centered around assassination (which is a process that takes time, patience, and planning) to be a fast paced action romp all the way through, then you're a moron. It's like expecting a kung-fu fight in the middle of Schindler's List. To give the consumer an idea of what they're getting themself into, and the quality of the product, you need to understand the purpose of it. You're not going to see someone judge Painkiller or Turok 2 like it's Baldur's Gate.

- Come to the realization that there's a business to Video Games: I've got another question for you, the reader. Would you go and stomp on a Girl Scout's cookies because someone from that company had to lay off workers? No! Why are you demonizing a company for getting rid of a developer that is underperforming? Fact of the matter is that money drives the wheels of industry, and if you can't perform, you're going to get cut. Yes, the reality of someone loosing their job sucks, and we've all been there. However, what would you do if you were in the position of someone like Bill Gates or Bobby Kotick? Keep a developer around and watch your company bleed money? No, you wouldn't, and anyone who says otherwise is a liar.

- Learn that there is no cheering in the press box: This is the hardest part of being a journalist, and it's something that I struggle with daily. I'm both a Video Games journalist and an MMA journalist, and it is really hard for me to keep my composure when I hear news about Bioware doing something new, or watching one of my favorite fighters lose or win. Fact of the matter is that the job is to observe and report. If you can learn to balance the fan in you with the journalist in you, then you're in shape. The comforting thing here is that everyone you work with is a fan as well, and there will always be points where you can take the journalist hat off, and put the fan hat on. It's why I kept this blog, after all.

Required Reading

Note: Not all of these are books. I'm going to link you to some books, video games, films, and articles that I think you should experience before getting into games journalism. Some of the games you'll just have to download on Virtual Console though. Finding a hard copy is near impossible.

Books:

- War and Peace

- Crime and Punishment

- Atlas Shrugged

- War of the Worlds

- Out of the Silent Planet

- The Lord of the Rings

- The Chronicles of Narnia

- The Great Divorce

- The Works of Edgar Allen Poe

- The Works of H.P. Lovecraft

- Walden

- I, Robot

Films:

- Alien

- Aliens

- Gladiator

- Blade Runner

- Kingdom of Heaven (Director's Cut)

- Jacob's Ladder

- Predator

- Soylent Green

- Black Hawk Down

- First Blood

- Pitch Black

- Terminator 2: Judgment Day

- The Empire Strikes Back

- Pan's Labyrinth

- Hellboy

- Raiders of the Lost Ark

- Casablanca

- The Godfather

- The Silence of the Lambs

- Schindler's List

- The Departed

- The Road Warrior

- There Will Be Blood

- The "Dollars" Trilogy

- Eraserhead

- Seven Samurai

- Perfect Blue

Games:

- Silent Hill 2

- Planescape: Torment

- Knights of the Old Republic

- Fallout 2

- Baldur's Gate

- Half-Life

- The Orange Box

- Super Castlevania IV

- Chrono Trigger

- Out of this World

- Grim Fandango

- Psychonauts

- Super Metroid

- Super Mario 64

- Beyond Good and Evil

- Doom

- Painkiller

- Unreal

- The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Articles:

Opinions for Sale or Trade

- Here's the thing about me and Jim Sterling. We don't like each other. However, this article he wrote was very good, and he makes a solid point of how exclusive reviews look to people.

A New High (low?) in Game Preview Events

- Ben Kuchera is another guy that I don't particularly like. Personal feelings aside, I admire his passion for a lack of corruption in journalism, so this article is a must-read.

Game Journalists vs Game Bloggers

- Probably my most infamous article, but I'm not including it here because it's mine. I'm including it here because I know that it's true. True to the point where I got quite a bit of ire from bloggers because of it. It's how you know it's working. ;)

David Jaffe on The Problem with Game Journalism

- Jaffe is awesome. There's no debate. However, I do think he makes an excellent point here in this interview. We have to be journalists first.

No Cheering in the Press Box

As I've already told her, A.J. Glasser is an awesome journalist, and she talks about how the games industry is using our inability to control the fan instincts against us.

What Grade is your Content Comprehension?

This is an interesting article about proper writing level and such, but also carries an undertone that game journalists need to be intelligent folks, which I agree with. By the way, I average a 13 in the Gunning-Fog index, if you're curious.

How not to be a games journalist

Though mostly humorous, Mitchell Dyer makes some excellent points about the game press, and its issues with big events.

And there you have it.

One Man Banned: Episode 2

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On this week's podcast

-High Concept Films and Games: What makes them better than the normal shooter

-Games to check out: Castlevania: Lords of Shadow, Fallout: New Vegas

Intro Music: Ready to Die by Andrew W.K.

Background music: Soundtrack to Dragon Age: Origins

Don't forget to check out my interview with James and Daniel from Extra Credits on Blistered Thumbs.

One Man Banned ep 1 - Cloning and Writing

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One Man Banned is a new podcast I thought up randomly that will essentially let me talk about a couple of subjects on my mind in relations to gaming that I may not get the chance to talk about, and maybe other stuff that I simply don't want to write a blog post about. 

Got a question you want answered on the podcast? Want advice on something? Send me an email at cynicscorner2009@gmail.com, or leave a comment in the comment box.

Background music from the podcast:

"The Broken" by Fireball Ministry

Music from the Planescape Torment soundtrack (which you receive for buying the game from GOG.com)

Music from the Shank soundtrack (which you can download here)

Note: Yes, I know that One Man Banned is also the name of a porn site. I don't care.