Searching vs Stumbling

Before I dig into the meat of what I wanted to write this morning, I think that how I've sort of treated this blog has certainly shifted from week to week. One week, it was a place for me to practice my writing. Then, it was just a place to host my videos. Now, I've actually got a few followers. Not many, but a few people who enjoy reading what I write, and the vids I work on. It's nice to have devoted readers, for sure. Well, now that the mushy stuff is out of the way, let's talk about something I've been thinking about recently.

Since I was divorced a couple years back, I've sort of realized that I've really seen most of what there is to see when it comes to the very lows of life. I've been homeless, I've lived with friends, I've been employed in a job I hate, I've been unemployed, and now I'm divorced and trying to build up a future for myself. During the course of the whole thing, I've found many of the answers of my life, such as "Who am I?" and, "What does it all mean?"

However, the methods of finding those answers were sort of weird. When it came to the "Who Am I?" question, I had to find the answer to that. I had to take a lot of time meditating, exercising, thinking, reading, and listening to music to really reach into the recesses of my own mind. In a way, I was retreading all of the aspects of who I used to be to see where I had come to. What I found out about myself was that I'm simply an enigma wrapped in a riddle. I remember when I saw a counselor around the time I had figured this whole mess out who said that she couldn't figure me out, and all I said was, "Don't try to. It'll just spin your head in circles."

So, with that part figured out, and the fact that searching is what found everything out, you'd think that searching would figure out what I was supposed to be doing, right? Well, that's what I thought. Nope. I was way off. My current work? Completely stumbled on it. Like I said in my one year retrospective video, both writing and video production quite literally fell into my lap. At the time, I was really wanting to get back into the ministry. Honestly, I think that you can have one look at my articles on Kokugamer, or my videos here and see that I'm better at what I do now. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Now, you may be asking, "Why are you asking yourself this now?" Well, as I've mentioned before in little tidbits, I have four sisters (two stepsisters, two sisters), and one of my younger sisters is about to get married. For those playing the home game, marriages do something funky to most Americans. We tend to think about exactly where our position is when it comes to relationships, and where we're going with it. Some people will reflect on past stuff and get depressed, and others will look to the future and try to figure out exactly what's coming.

Well, I'm in the latter group. I've already done the dance of my past, figuring out where everything stands there, and where I'm at. Without giving details, I'll just say that I want nothing to do with my ex-wife because of where she is, and the type of person she is. Since I've got a new sense of clarity and happiness, I want to find someone that enjoys that part of me, and wants to be happy with me. Essentially, I want the rest of my life to be a joyful little experience, for however long it is. Keep in mind that I hit the quarter century mark this December.

You see, I've only been in two relationships in my life, and in both of them I found myself swimming upstream for that particular person. You give effort after effort only for everything to crumble at your feet, and I don't want that right now. I certainly don't need it. Relationships are supposed to be easy, fun, and enjoyable. There's supposed to be positive chemistry that makes the burdens of life considerably lighter. It's almost as if all men like me are like Atlas, and the woman that comes into our lives helps alleviate the weight of the world. We're always going to have troubles. Relationships should make those troubles easier to get through. There's probably a scripture I should be quoting from Ecclesiastes right now, but I'm a little unfocused at the moment.

So, here's where I'm standing right now: Do I look, or do I let that person look for me? As a fairly logical individual, I wanted to look at this from a mathematical standpoint first and foremost. Most girls out there really are not fans of approaching boys about their feelings and asking them out. The chances of me finding that person by sitting here and waiting is pretty low. However, on the flipside, I'm looking for someone who is probably one in a million. So, that leaves me with 999,999 chances of being rejected. I have a very negative reaction to being rejected, so I'm sort of at a stuck point. I've had success with waiting, but I've had success with searching as well.

If you ask any divorced person who is currently single, they'll tell you what it's like to be where they are, even if they're happy. It consistently feels like there's supposed to be someone on your arm, or over your shoulder. You can almost feel them there, but then when you turn, there's nothing and no one. Now, is this some sort of big deal? No. It's like living with minor arthritis in a knuckle. It's just annoying if you don't have the proper medication.

So, that's where I'm at right now, so I figured that I would take the time to express it. I've got a big couple weeks ahead of me, so hopefully everything keeps unfolding well, because things have gone pretty well so far.

-Micah C

note: I'm trying something new this week. At the point of the blog they show up in, play the song. It's essentially there to set the mood.