Random thoughts again.....

It's not an easy task to be working for a website, especially as a review editor. Though I can't get into details, lets just say that it's not easy being a go-to guy for something, despite how much you enjoy it. There are points that you have to sacrifice your plans for your work, and try to work around issues that rise up. One thing that I will say is that Blistered Thumbs didn't have a review for my vote for game of the year, Red Dead Redemption. Now we do, and it took longer than it should have.

However, as I sit here, listening to music, I realize what I'm working toward, and what the future may hold. I'm not quite sure how the buzz is in the Channel Awesome community about Blistered Thumbs (you guys will have to give me feedback) but amongst the staff it's quite the event for us. As for me, I'm the type of person who has been incredibly low-key when it comes to being known on the net. One fellow writer of mine said that my show was the best kept secret on the internet. I think that a few people are in for a bit of a shock when they read some of my work.

I've essentially been trying to brace myself for an explosion. It feels like the moment before a dentist appointment. You know that you're about to have a moment of discomfort, but are trying to remind yourself that when it all settles down, you'll be fine. It certainly takes me to weird places, which is why I'm blogging. However, to set the stage of how different I've been acting lately, I've been drinking hot, black tea, and watching Midori Days. An anime that is a romantic comedy. Let me drive this in a little bit more. I'm six foot two, and am built like a panzer tank. I just watched a thirteen episode Anime that was a romance. Just so I can blame my emasculation on someone from the Channel Awesome umbrella, I blame JesuOtaku for saying the show is good. Illogical to do so? Of course. I'm still blaming her.

I think that it's safe to say that I'm building a foundation for the future here. There really is no doubt in my mind that Blistered Thumbs will explode in popularity. It's one thing for a new video game website to pop up. It's a completely different one for a site to pop up with a rabid, supportive fanbase attached. When people say that Channel Awesome has the best fanbase on earth, they're not joking. These are fans that stick with you til the end, and I'm hoping that they'll accept me as a part of the family.

However, the issue with the future is that you have to wait for it, and I've got a few things in the here and now that I have to worry about. One thing I've got to keep in mind is the difference between a doormat and a selfless person. I'm not the type of person who expects to get anything in return when I do something good for someone else. I do what I can to keep the people around me happy. At the same time, I've had to learn how to draw lines, which is difficult. I enjoy being a selfless person, but I don't want to be walked on. I'm going to have to get used to telling people I need time alone, and realize I'm not being a dick by doing so.

An unfortunate thing about the upcoming season of Winter is that it couples some very cold memories with it. Since my divorce, the cold has done nothing but make me feel isolated. My grandfather died on January 1st. My divorce was official in the winter. Every winter, my birthday goes by, reminding me of my own mortality. I think it's rather obvious as to why I hate winter. It's a cold reminder of how lonely life can be, and how good, warm days can feel so distant from where you are. In a way, loneliness is comparable to walking down a street in the middle of winter. It's isolated, dead, and cold. It gives this odd feeling of desolation that I abhor.

With the coming winter, and the loneliness that comes with it, I'm reminded of my own situation in life. You see, I'm picky about my company, and my core group of friends can be counted on one hand. As we've all gotten older, they've all grabbed a squeeze and continued on in life, save one friend. I can't help but feel like I've been left behind a little bit. Now, is it completely my fault? No. Some things happened that I couldn't control. However, I still don't like it. I sort of feel like I have to muscle my way into a conversation with some of my friends. Should things be like that? I wouldn't think so.

Last thing is that it all seems to come back to the fact that I'm single, and I hate that. Then again, I have to keep in mind that my subconscious is used to certain things in the winter, and the pleasure center of my brain wants to experience them again. Though some would give me loads of crap for these feelings, let me pose a counter to those accusations. Have you ever had the chance to sit with a woman, watching a film and being warmed by a blanket and body heat? Have you ever woken up in a cold room, and used it as an excuse to snuggle close to her? These are situations that I loved when I wasn't single that cannot be duplicated. I long for them. I dream of them, and they don't come.

Now, let me just say that I've decided to simply sit here and let things happen in my life. I want things to progress naturally, but there's a positive and negative to everything. One thing that drove me absolutely nuts after finishing Midori Days was that the entire process could have been avoided if the two of them had simply told each other their feelings. I'm waiting for someone to cross my path and speak up. So, here's my little slice of encouragement: Go forth and speak up. Whatever it is you feel the need to speak up about, just do it. The world moves faster with honesty. While you do that, keep in mind that you're keeping people from being in my spot, okay?

Well, until next time, I'm signing off. Let's hope that a woman speaks up to me, eh? Then maybe I can blog about something else for once.

-Micah C